If My Child Steals Now, Does That Mean He Will Become A Thief? August 12, 2009

Most every parent has asked the question,  “Honey, did you take the (insert personal item here)?” Whether it be jewelry from your dresser, money from your wallet or myriad other items kids may be attracted to, parents often find their children have stolen something. Experts confirm it is extremely common.

Experts also reassure us that we should not worry – that stealing things as a child does not indicate a future propensity for theft or other crime. Perri Klass recently wrote a wonderful blog in the New York Times about her experience with this phenomenon and reports that a prominent pediatrician says “most children with take something sometime” and that it is just as much a part of growing up as sleep problems, toilet training, the terrible twos, ad infinitum.

Parents must realize that because stealing is just as much a part of maturing as all the other things mentioned, we should not blame ourselves or our child for such behavior. But that does not mean that parents should ignore it. Children of different ages steal for different reasons and should be dealt with differently.

Toddlers who take things cannot even be considered to be thieves because they just can’t understand rules at that point. Klass recommends setting limits is the best way to care for a child that age. They should begin learning that not everything they touch becomes theirs and that they need to share.

How you set those limits is up to you. Renowned author Stephen Covey tells a story of teaching his daughter to share in which he concludes that young children cannot share until they feel like they have owned an object. At the daughter’s birthday party, she received many toys. Covey allowed his daughter to possess her toys for enough time for her to develop a sense of ownership before asking her to share the toy.

Now what about the 5- or 6- or 7-year-old child who steals? They are old enough to know the rules. What if you find them stealing from you, a friend or even a store? Again, do not worry. This type of behavior is extremely common. Though parents don’t always catch them, it is likely unusual for a child to go through childhood without ever stealing anything

Older children steal for different reasons than younger ones though. We, as parents, must understand what is going on there so we can best address the issue. Older children most often steal as part of a testing phase. They’re testing the boundaries of behavior. They’re looking to see what, if anything, happens as a result of different behaviors.

We should use these teachable moments when we catch children stealing to fully explain and demonstrate the ramifications of their actions. That doesn’t mean reading them the riot act or touring them around the county jail in a scared straight attempt.

It means telling your children that stealing is wrong and why it’s wrong. It’s important to make those ideas concrete to them by doing things like eliciting an apology and requiring that they have to either give the item back or pay for it.

Unfortunately, some children do exhibit troubling patterns of theft that should sound alarm bells for parents. So-called symbolic theft should be addressed differently. An example of symbolic theft is stealing someone’s valuables and destroying them. In addition, repeated theft should be dealt with professionally right away.

Other than those two situations, we shouldn’t worry ourselves about childhood stealing. The key in dealing with it is being evenhanded. Demonstrate consequences, discuss ethics and morals, but don’t treat your child like a criminal.